ADHD & Grief
ADHD & Grief
Grief can show up in many ways. Everyone grieves differently and that is ok. Death brings out grief of unrealized dreams and hopes. Maybe you were holding on to hope that your parent(s) would change, or at least validate/understand your experience as a child. Things that were left unsaid, the things that you imagined that they would be there for are no longer a possibility. The layers run deep. Grief is often debilitating, which is why many adults try to stay busy to avoid moving through grief. Statistically, the loss you will experience in this time will be your parents so the examples in this blog post are about the loss of a parent..
Grief is an emotion that impairs executive functioning in everyone, so people experiencing it describe feeling what ADHD feels like to the rest of us on a daily basis. Small tasks become impossible to accomplish. Eating, showering, and exercising are easily forgotten. Feelings swing from intense to numb, and back to intense again.
So what is grief like for those of us with ADHD who already struggle in a lot of executive functioning areas?
Some key differences for ADHD & grief :
We will often shift our focus to taking care of everyone else - a common response for the Superstar & Energizer Mom.
Out of sight, out of mind. ADHD adults often forget what is not in front of them, including momentarily forgetting about their loss, which can bring on feelings of guilt that you could forget what happened.
RSD can make it hard to ask for support or state that you are not functioning well. Losing a parent can impact one's sense of self, which can make RSD more intense.
Demands on executive functioning can be overwhelming with all the legal and administrative work placed on an executor and next of kin. Planning the funeral and memorial service requires significant executive function - on top of immense emotional weight.
Feeling judged by not doing things that are “expected” or “normal.” It can bring up past traumas of not being “good enough” that ADHDer have felt throughout their life.
As ADHDers tend to feel things more intensely, it amplifies all the feelings that come with grief.
Sensory processing differences can make it even harder to do things like eat, sleep, and shower that are already hard to do when grieving.
Nonlinear processing can make it more challenging to identify what you need or communicate what you are needing.
Avoiding anything that reminds you of your loss.
Internalized hyperactivity can amplify rumination that is common with death. Most question if they could have done something more or spend time thinking of things that felt incomplete.
Dopamine chasing. We can oscillate from extreme pleasure- and fun-seeking to crashing in burnout. It can be a confusing and sometimes scary experience when you (or others) do not realize what is happening. This can even look like taking on projects that might have been energizing before the event to feel something positive, and then end up simply being an even bigger stack of executive function demands on your plate.
Anticipatory Grief
Anticipatory grief can happen when we know someone is going to die. We can also experience it when our loved one isn't the same person he or she used to be. We actively grieve that person while still seeing glimpses of their former selves. This often happens when someone we care about has dementia, is on strong medicine or pain killers that impact cognitive function, or is experiencing a lot of pain. The ambiguity of these situations and this kind of grief can make it hard to recognize we are grieving or ask for support.
Secondary Losses
There are also secondary losses that bring up grief. It is normal to grieve the relatively “carefree” life we had before the loss, illness, or other sandwich generation challenge impacting our lives.).
Many sandwich generation parents grieve the fact that we don’t get to enjoy being a parent the way we thought we would. This can be because of lack of time, and/or depressive symptoms that make it difficult to be present and enjoy precious and important moments. There are secondary losses of not having your kids have their grandparent in their life for key events that you were looking forward to.
It can also add to any shame we have about our parenting, as grief and stress make it challenging to be patient and show up for our kids the way we wish we could. Friendships and small joys tend to be secondary losses. Often, ADHDers love giving their friends special gifts and surprises. . We experience sadness when we aren’t able to celebrate a big milestone or birthday, or do things we would normally do for our friends. Friendships might fade over time, due to the lack of time we have or even disappointment we might feel over how they supported us in our time of need. When hard things happen, how our friends show up for us is amplified in both positive and negative ways.
Common secondary losses are:
Setbacks in career or work dreams
Loss of dreams of future plans (trips, anniversaries, holidays)
Loss of financial security (if you have to take off work or take on medical bills)
Loss of identity
Loss of an emotional support system
Loss of the support for your kids
Loss of traditions (going to parents house for holidays etc.)
Loss of childhood home
Loss of faith
Loss of enjoyments, birthdays, holidays and anniversaries tend to be lined with grief as it is a reminder of the person who might have always said happy birthday to you first not being there
Witnessing changes in your child as they experience the loss of a grandparent
Loss of relationships (due to lack of time, awkwardness that happens around death, or amplification of conflict that happens in grief)
Parenting while Grieving
The ability to grieve a loved one while parenting little ones can feel impossible. Most of the time - especially early on - as the grieving parent, we may need others to come in and help take care of basic tasks like food and cleaning. The weight of mourning a loss while simultaneously caring for children may simply be just too overwhelming. Helpers make it so that the mourning parties have space to just be. And let’s not forget that often, the kids are also grieving. Sometimes, the hardest part for kids who experience a loss (death of a close family member or friend, but not a primary parent or caregiver) is the “loss” of their parents who are acting differently to their young child.
Kids’ nervous systems are wired to their parents. Kids can get frightened when they notice that their parents are “off” and behaving in unfamiliar ways. Now this does NOT mean that the adults should pretend everything is fine—these mixed signals can be even more confusing to kids. Supporting kids with all the changes death brings is something most parents do not feel equipped for. Check out my other blog post on this topic.
📝You can’t do it alone
After my dad died, we had a family zoom call. My cousin said words that have forever stuck with me. She said when death happens, it is like everything turns into sand, everything being broken into tiny pieces that spill everywhere. Our job for family, loved ones, and the community is to be your container to hold all those pieces that have broken for you.
In the ADHD resource section on my website I have included a guide for the support person for an ADHD loved one. When you are the closest to the loss, the most important thing is to have a good network of support because you can’t do it all. The support and love you receive fills up a separate tank required to get you through the intense stages of grief. It can never change the loss, but it does nourish you. Grief groups are helpful in this stage as well. Having protected spaces to share with others who get it, is an important part of healing.
Your support network needs a guide to know how to show up that is geared for ADHD needs. If you are anticipating a loss, here is somethings you can do to prepare.
Steps:
Read the guide here.
Mark the things you think would be helpful.
Cross out the things you would not want to happen.
Add anything else you can think of after talking with friends and family about it.
Identify the key people you would want to be contacted when a loss happens. This can be done with your partner, friends, and family. The more support you have in your corner, the weight of everything gets spread out into manageable pieces.
Use this activity as an opportunity to share how important each relationship is to you and the gratitude that each of you have to be able to support each other.